When the time comes and you decide you're growing up. That you have finally reached the happiness in your life that you have been looking for, and it's even better than you could have ever imagined...There comes that lastly moment hen you remember the past. And if you're anything like me you're scared too death. See as much as I have tried to tell myself I hurt the people I hurt because they deserved it or I was going through something awful at the time. It all boils down to the fact that I know none of them really deserved the pain I stirred within them.
I had a choice - to deal with my own pain and handle it a different way. Not use people, not lie and fake feelings and events. I can't pretend I was a good person during these moments in my life. I can only admit my wrong doings and go forward in a better light. I use to tell myself those people had it coming - they knew I was no good at the time, they knew before they dove head first into the fire. But in reality whether they knew what was coming or not I had no right to cause pain. Or use a person. People aren't here for our use.
I wish I wouldn't have hurt people who tried to build relationships with me. I wish I would have realized the people who hurt me I played a hand in that. I let them use me. If I wrote a letter to myself that would be the main source. Don't let anyone who hurts you drain your light, and always hope for the best. That way I wouldn't let the negative opinions of others impact my thoughts and actions. Because in the end I have to live with my choices.
And here I sit still living with guilt from wrong turns I've made. The funny thing is I wonder if I hadn't made them would I have even ended up meeting the man whose made me feel the worst about my negative actions? I say this because he's my everything. One night - of being in the right place at the right time. Moments that would have NEVER happened without God and fate and a lot and I mean A LOT of wrong turns. And slowly he changed everything for me. The way I build my whole thoughts, he's made a light readjust and shine brighter than I ever thought possible.
The scary thing is if karma is real and it's coming for me because of the choices I made in my past my price will be him. The one thing I can't pay; see once you've met the person whose changed everything for you. Let you seen how utterly happy you can be I don't think there's any going back. Back to a world with dull colors and empty laughter.
I have hope though, that karma is an even balance of what you did and what you do. I know people change based on their surroundings and their will. I also know some people will never change. I'm sure of myself changing every day. Mostly I have him to thank, for loving me unconditionally, believing in me every day, and always being positive about everything.
To sum up my rant or confessions I'm wanting to say I'm sorry or a person I use to be. She wasn't perfect, and she failed people and herself a lot. I wish I would have made my wrong turns without the using of people. The mean actions to keep people locked out. I believe there's lines that can always be drawn to protect yourself and ones to protect others. I'll never want to change my path I took, it lead me here. However there are people I wish I wouldn't have hurt and others I wouldn't have let hurt me.
Everyday is new and all we have is today. We might as well smile and take joy in the moments we have because we never know when they'll change and make us wish we would have reacted/acted differently. Like they say-"There's no time like the present time!"
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